It can be a lonely world for singles. You've seen the backcombed hair, too-small Ed Hardy T-shirts and other scary things in bars; they're all signs of lonely times. And loneliness does strange things to people.
The stage five cling-on
Take the woman who was corresponding with "Steve" through an online dating service and invited him over for a "casual 4th of July barbecue." Steve arrived expecting burgers and beer (surefire bait for any guy), but what he got instead was a black widow spider that had woven an elaborate web.
He was introduced to the woman’s teenage son, whom she promptly told to get lost and not come back. Then Miss Spider led Steve to a back room (complete with beaded doorway) and told him to make himself at home in a bed of pillows while she "changed into something more comfortable." This, of course, put Steve on high alert; he couldn’t imagine what would be more comfortable than the jeans and T-shirt his online love was already wearing. She returned wearing next to nothing, and the more aggressive the woman became, the more spooked recently-divorced Steve got.
He bolted for the door, and the woman, half dressed at this point, literally grabbed his ankle and hung on for dear life -- leaving poor Steve trying to unlock the front door with a half-naked Stage Five Cling-On attached to his ankle.
The moral of this story: Never meet at your online friend's house for a first date.
"Morgan" and "Jake" met through an online dating site. Morgan, who hadn't been on a date in some time, was a disaster. She changed four times and took extra pains with her appearance. At precisely the agreed-upon time, Jake pulled up in Morgan’s driveway… behind the wheel of a rusted-out truck, circa Sanford and Son.
Morgan immediately deduced that Jake had not put as much thought into his appearance as Morgan had, if the greasy hair and flies swarming about his head were any indication. The first words out of Jake’s mouth were, "Wow. Nice place you got here. I could really see myself living here."
Against her better judgment, Morgan went on the date, only to be treated to a litany about how no one loved Jake because his hand was disfigured from a childhood fireworks accident, and that if Morgan didn’t like him, he would kill himself. When they returned to Morgan’s house, Jake removed a bottle of Boone’s Farm from his truck and refused to leave for hours.
The moral of this story: Joe Dirt was a funny movie but does not make for a good date.
Location, location, location
A certain level of romanticism is attached to some locations, and for "Sue," that was a ranch. So when "Mark" and Sue began chatting online, Sue was seduced by pictures of Mark’s ranch. Even though Mark lived in the next state over, he visited Sue’s town twice a month for work, so they decided to meet in person.
Things progressed nicely until Sue started to pressure Mark about seeing his ranch. Mark presented one excuse after another. Sue became suspicious and did a little investigating. It turned out that Steve didn’t exactly own a ranch. And he didn’t exactly live in the next state over. And he wasn’t exactly single. Mark lived a few minutes away with his wife.
The moral of this story: Distrusting though it may appear, figure out a way to look at your date’s driver’s license on the first date to verify addresses.
An absent picture says a thousand words
Few people admit that looks matter, because it makes ugly people feel bad. It’s a very sensitive if not completely honest way to answer the "What do you look for in a guy?" question.
Ann told herself she wasn’t superficial and tried to ignore the fact that "Luke" refused to share a picture of himself. Maybe he was so good looking that he didn’t want online daters to be interested in his looks alone, right? It could happen. So when Ann showed up to meet Luke, she tried not to gasp when she saw that he was about 5 feet 7 inches tall, with long hair down the middle of his back. He wore a shirt that would make the wardrobe crew at That 70’s Show jealous, and he sported a cold sore on his upper lip.
Resisting the overwhelming urge to spin on her heel and run as if the building were engulfed in flames, Ann engaged Luke in conversation. It was then that she learned that Luke’s boss was an f’ing jerk, his ex-wife was an f’ing witch who accused him of abusing his son, and the bartender was an f’ing idiot. Ann excused herself to use the restroom and fled through the kitchen's back door.
The moral of this story: If an online love interest doesn’t provide a photo, it may be because he is gorgeous and doesn’t want false attention because of it. This scenario likely represents about 0.0004 percent of the online dating community.
So there you have it: Just a few examples of online dating stories that are entertaining for all the wrong reasons. This must represent a very small fraction of the online dating experience, if all the super attractive people hooking up on Match.com commercials is any indication!